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I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Replies for this Forum Topic
Hey Dream_a_little_Dream,
where are you? Help me, I'm running out of jokes...
Come back soon
A man and his wife:
" It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"... Probably that I married you for your money", she replied. :0
love the difficult to say when drunk one! ive sent it to all my friends lol!
Sorry if any gents read this, as my next few jokes will be a bit sexist...
Q: Why do men whistle when
they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Ha ha ha ha ... has been written of true life
I fell asleep all alone and tomorrow I had to work in the morning.... 
Ela
luxury joke !!!
Ela God Is a DJ
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or
on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Hey Petsy, great ... this physic I took ... yesterday great effect, but tomorrow ...
bye Ela
Ela God Is a DJ
Like it...
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes:
-Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and,
- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Christmas Joke:
Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of preasents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.
"God, i have been a child of perfection this year. I think i should get lots of preasents... no that won’t work."
He got on his knees.
"God, I haven’t been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of preasents for my efforts... no that can’t work either!"
He laid face flat on the floor.
"God, I have been a complete devil this year. But i can change, I promise! No, theres no way he beleive that!"
Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the modle of the stable that jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the virgen mary. He went into his room, wrapped mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.
"God, if you ever want to see your mother again...
Sometimes the best thing you can do,is to live one day at a time.
driving on ice is like having sex doggie style. One slip and you can really Phuck up someone’s rear end! Please... drive safely this winter!
Sometimes the best thing you can do,is to live one day at a time.
ahah these jokes are brill :L!!!!!
A man turns up to a fancy dress party naked with only a glass jar covering his penis . ..
a lady asks him ' what are you meant to be??' with a confused face.
the man replies ' a fireman!. . . . . break the glass, pull the knob and ill come as fast as i can!'
"i drank your poison coz u told me its wine,,shame on you if you fool me once,,,shame on me if you fool me twice""
x_Jen_x
lol, these jokes are really funny
:D
I WANT THE OLD SKOOL FORUMS BACK - IT'S WAY MUCH BETTER THERE!!
P!NK ROCKS
THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always
sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass
Sometimes the best thing you can do,is to live one day at a time.
Ela God Is a DJ
Hey great jokes guys , I can never remember jokes but I nearly wet myself with those thanks.
Oh Petsy,I like that one.lololololoolol
and yes,I know I spelled the word place incorrectly,I did it at purpose!
..I know it sucks!
Sometimes the best thing you can do,is to live one day at a time.
SMOKING IN THE RAIN
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
'Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.